Postpartum Confessions

I look back fondly on my birth, but I would not say the same about the fourth trimester. Birth is magical in the sense that it is intense, yet short, and it comes with an incredible high immediately following. It gives you a sense of accomplishment and strength. After both of my births I felt like a complete badass and athlete.

Postpartum feels the opposite. It feels like doubt, failure, insecurity, mixed with some amazing highs too. But it is not short, it is a prolonged period (relative to birth). Postpartum is the uncomfortable, yet necessary physical (and sometimes emotional) healing & emotional growing pains of becoming a mother for the first time or again. It’s a time of change and identity shift. We must grow into it.

When we’re in it, it feels slow, like we’ll never get the hang of it, it’ll never get better, and we’ll never establish a new normal.

Below I’m sharing some of my struggles and reflections from the fourth trimester last year after my second was born (2021). These were taken from my journal one to four months postpartum.

April. A month into postpartum I recognized I needed more help. I was trying to get my footing taking care of both girls on my own once my husband, Pablo, went back to work. My job just doubled. No wonder I struggled.

At six weeks postpartum I wrote,

I’m grateful for JoJo (my oldest) – I wonder if I need her more than she needs me.

I noted nearly two months in that I was finding a groove with both girls. That’s huge.

A common theme was mixed, conflicting emotions:

I love my life, Pablo, and my girls, I feel so lucky and happy. Yet, it’s still hard and can be overwhelming.

It was the beginning of May, about two months postpartum, when things began to feel very heavy and like I was starting to drown:

The ups and downs. Lots of them throughout the day and week.

I can feel like I’m:

Drowning

Failing

On an endless carrousel

And then feel like:

A boss

In flow

At ease /easy

Energetic

Super mom

I think what was so hard and confusing in this freshness of change, fragility, and newness, was an overwhelming sense of gratitude and happiness while at the same time feeling low, sad, and overwhelmed. It was so many extreme and conflicting emotions. How could this be? What does this mean? Is something wrong with me? How do I cope with all these emotions? I didn’t know.

I was grateful for,

Pablo – my rock – partner – teammate – biggest support, my girls, my little family, they’re perfect for me. I love our life we’re creating together. Keeping things simple and full of love.

But, what was also bothering or challenging me:

Easily stressed or overwhelmed.

The juggle of the two kids.

I don’t always get a break during the day.

The unpredictability of newborn naps.

Harder to do things solo on my own.

Breastfeeding.

No time to meal prep, cook, or clean! If I do -> no time to rest.

Hardly time for Pablo and me.

I don’t feel like a priority. (I’m not sure if I meant to myself or others)

Taking a true break (not able to do).

I felt like I was swimming against the current and fighting change. I loved my new baby, but I wanted things to be like how they were before she was born. Things were great and I loved our normal and routine. I just felt I lost complete momentum of life. I just loved how things were, yet at the same time I was so excited to welcome a new child into our lives. I could feel myself resisting all of the required change. It was difficult to let go and just surrender that it would never be the same again, and that I was a beginner again. I was a new mom and I had never been a mom of two.

It’s not that something is wrong. I love my family - my girls and Pablo. It’s that the daily demands and grind wears on me. I feel fragile, vulnerable, like I could break at any moment.

My own desires and needs feel suppressed. Even if I do take care of myself – journal, yoga, read, talk to friends, seek therapy, go get my hair done, etc. – it’s what keeps me afloat – but my body, mind, and soul yearns to shed all responsibilities (for an unknown period) and get lost in rest, play, and my own desires.

My heart longs for time off. Time for ME. To reconnect to myself and Pablo.

I yearn to be mothered and taken care of. Who’s caring for me and making sure I am okay? Physically, mentally, and spiritually? Now that I’m in the thick of motherhood…

I need and want a warm, strong embrace, and someone to affirm my efforts.

The more I mother and grow, the more my inner child also needs love and attention.

Who is mothering me?

Who is caring for me?

Is this absurd…to want, request, expect, or demand?

I was reminded of the fragility and vulnerability of the fourth trimester and first year postpartum. It is so emotionally and physically taxing. It just felt so heavy there for a while. It’s a lot to process and adjust to, whether it’s your first time, or fourth. No wonder moms can feel rattled and alone. It’s raw. More than ever, we need love, support, comfort, friends, family, and help!

Things I began asking myself, to explore and establish a sense of balance:

What throws me off balance? What things or events during the day, that can happen, makes me feel off balance emotionally? What will support me emotionally daily?

And slowly, like everything else in life, things got better with time. Slow and steady progress. I learned to let go, stop resisting, and accepted what was. I tuned into myself and others around me. I had conversations with family and friends and established regular therapy. I found the joy again and a sense of ease. I eventually got a little more sleep, space for myself, and gained confidence as a mom of two. I got through it and I’m still a badass.

-Margo Game Brandenburg